Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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