im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
