I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
