my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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