my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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