My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There was a lot of him and a little penis
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
