I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
