I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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