your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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