i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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