its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
