literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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