I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
