we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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