I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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