I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
