So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
