Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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