Already got asked if we're dating
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
