My balls are so social today.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
