I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
