I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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