I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
