I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
