Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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