So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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