I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
