you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Randomize
