if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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