Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
