we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
