You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
