Fine. I'll sleep in my office
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
