Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
