i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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