The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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