She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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