Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize