Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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