well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
