I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
