i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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