Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
