Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
