my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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