sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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