Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
