that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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