Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
there is glitter all over my balls
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
