i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
