A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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