I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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