i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this will be a night to untag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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