I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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