home. puking in laundry basket.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
