worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
