i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize